10 Creative Ways to Drink Straight Vodka
Craft beer and hipster fusion cocktails are all the artisanal rage, but what about those of us who’d rather just get shitfaced without our pinkies in the air? Well, here’s a guide to keep the desperate and humble liquor swigging masses from getting too bored with their routine:
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1. From a hollowed out iPhone while at Apple’s Genius Bar. “I have no idea why this won’t turn on, because it’s definitely working for me right now…”
(Image source: Precision Me)
2. From a camelback while standing immobile on the elliptical. “I worked out so hard I vomited.”
(Image source: SA Homeowner)
3. From a Brita filter at your mother-in-law’s. “Mmm... there’s definitely no contaminants that could survive in this, Barbara.”
(Image source: The Mark Consulting)
4. From the cupped hands of a child born in a developing country while giving a TED Talk about global finance. “We’ll get the products and their children will get JOBS! What we’re proposing is good for everyone!”
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5. From a taxidermied polar bear cub participating in a Republican National Primary Debate. “Elect me and we’ll all be able to have one of these soon enough.”
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6. From a pool while being baptized. “I see the power of the Lord, in double… and he’s spinning!”
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7. From an empty 1% milk gallon during a job interview. “Things are obviously not good. I really need this job.”
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8. From a puddle on the ground outside your alma mater during alumni weekend. “Student debt, you know.”
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9. From the mouth of the male stripper you hired to perform when you take the subway. “If the MTA is going to charge 2.75 for a ride, we might as well be able to have a good time.”
(Image source: AdWeek)
10. From a hand-painted artisanal mason jar while lying in a demo bed at IKEA, crying about the promises your ex made to you. “He said we’d have a home! Well Jake, I’ve got hundreds of homes! Hundreds! Right here!”
