I recently sat down with my friend Andrea (I've changed her name because her real name is such a basic white-girl name) and asked her to fire away with any and all questions she has about the male sexual organ, otherwise known as the "penis," most commonly referred to as the "dick."
I still can't help giggling at that word.
Below, I've jotted down some of her most poignant questions and my blunt answers. Some of these questions were quite hard...
Andrea: Do you always wake up with morning wood?
My answer: In my life, I think I've counted 3 mornings when I woke up without an erection. All 3 of those were when I was hungover to the point where I asked the world, "Is this how I die?"
Andrea: Can you pee when you're hard?
My answer: Not without serious effort. It's like doing yoga over the toilet, bending your body in strange ways to line up your stream of piss with the bowl.
Andrea: Do you get boners at random times?
My answer: During puberty, guys tend to get them all the time. The movies where the boy's embarrassed to go to the front of a class because he's got a boner aren't lying. That actually happens. But post-puberty, not so much. If a guy's consistently getting boners at awkward times, you may want to ask him what's up (*giggles*).
Andrea: Does getting kicked in the balls hurt a lot?
My answer: Is the sky blue?
Andrea: Does it change as you get older?
My answer: Size-wise, it's pretty much done growing around age 18. So if you're hoping your 26-year-old boyfriend will grow a few more inches, you may want to think about getting a new dude. Sensitivity can change and as we age, erectile disfunction can become a thing.
Andrea: Can you finish without ejaculating?
My answer: Before puberty, guys can come without the jizz. But afterwards, it's quite rare. Usually when this happens, it's because of retrograde ejaculation, where the fluid flows back into the bladder. This is a medical issue and the gentleman experiencing it should notify a doctor right away.
Andrea: Have you named your penis?
My answer: Yes. But I'd prefer not to share its name.
Andrea: Is whiskey dick actually a thing, or is he just not into me?
My answer: Whiskey dick is totally a thing. Every guy has had it happen to him. If he says he hasn't, he either never drinks or is lying to you. I don't know which is worse.
Andrea: Do condoms really make that much of a difference?
My answer: Of course there's a difference in sensation, for both you and the dude. But here's the thing: the difference is not worth jeopardizing either of your sexual healths. Be open. Be honest. And if you have any doubts, make that f*cker wrap it up! If he's not willing, he's not worth it.
Me: Do you like your dick?
My answer: Again, is the sky blue? No matter the guy, his dick holds a special place in his heart.
