6 Types of Guys I Met During My Month on Tinder
Perhaps you’re going through a dry spell. It could be an emotional dry spell, in which you realize that you don’t have a special someone in your life to make you cry, and your tear ducts are lacking their usual, dating-game moisture. Or perhaps it’s physical, and you know it’s about damn time someone got you wet.
You can use any excuse you’d like, but then the reality sets in: you’re undeniably… Tindering. You’re swiping, matching, and eventually chatting, then meeting up with hot strangers. You ponder the possibilities… but is Tinder just for hooking up? People are getting married from the site now, so is it possible that maybe Tinder has graduated into a legitimate way to get to know someone above the belt?
I went on Tinder for one month to find out. Here are the types of guys I corresponded with.
- Pseudo-Intellectual Paul
He says he’s a published poet with a style that’s “Hemingway, meets Thoreau, with a tinge of Shakespeare.” I let that inflated-sense-of-self talk slide temporarily in case he displays redeeming qualities. We begin to get philosophical. I almost feel like he ‘gets me,’ or ahem, like he understands the underlying connection present in our shared humanity that anyone could uncover with anyone else, but alas, our physical forms give us the illusion of disconnection and we believe it. But then again, isn’t it all merely an illusion?
I digress. This conversation continues in this fashion. Then one evening he mentions that he doesn’t want to be on the app anymore, and instead wants to meet people IRL. I agree that is probably the way to go. The next day I sign in, and he is gone. He had either deleted his account, or “unmatched” me in an artistic, sexy, fit of disconnection.
- International Student Ivan
A Turkish man from Germany, here on exchange. And the exchange rate is looking pretty good about now. He says he wants to meet up. I mention that I will be at THE event to be at that night dancing the night away. What do you know? He also bought a ticket to the sold out event. Well I'll be darned!
We end up meeting up and can’t hear each other so we just dance. My buzz is wearing off but it’s still fun. He is much more slender in person. Maybe he has small friends who make him look bigger in pictures. Regardless, I enjoy the bits of conversation that we fit in. Then I scoot-my-boot(y) away to meet up with friends.
He messages me the next day.
Ivan: I am honestly not looking for a relationship
Me: Okay, that’s clear. I want to date so if you’re not into dating then we may not be a fit.
Ivan: Well what wud u be into?🙂 Friends with benefits if I’m not mistaken?
Me: Nope. Friends with benefits may start out as a friendship and lead to casual sex. Dating is more intentional and a friendship can evolve but it doesn’t start that way. There’s an element of romance that doesn’t exist in friends with benefits.
Ivan:😉
(The end.)
- Didn’t Work Out IRL Dan
“You look familiar” is his opener. I can see it as well. But that smiling face could be anyone, really. Then I take a closer look and it clicks. That summer rooftop party 2 months ago. I saw him from across the room, and found myself taking a double, hey, maybe triple take on the sly. Or so I thought. Eventually he walks over to me and introduces himself. “I’m Dan, and it’s not going to work out for us IRL, but I’ll later swipe right on you via Tinder and try this again because I’m so much more comfortable living behind a screen,” he said. (Just kidding!)
We chat about things that don’t matter. He offers to refill my champagne glass and I opt to switch to water. He asks for my number and I oblige. He doesn’t text, or call.
The next time I see or hear from him is in an app with other strange men vying for my attention, or panties, or something. We recall how we’d met, and he asks me out again. I ask why he didn’t follow-up last time. He says he didn’t think I was actually interested. I explain, “I only give my number out to those I’m potentially interested in. How about if we happen to cross paths in real life, we can try this again? Take care for now.” Seize the real life moment. Boy-bye.
- Rematch Rodney
He’s the guy I met on one of my very first OkCupid online dates in 2012. We can also thank him for providing me with a story that I recount in group settings when people ask about my worst first date. Let’s just say it involved him asking me what I wanted to drink at dinner, proceeding to order the exact opposite wine for the table (his favorite), pondering aloud about poop, Vegas hook-ups, and other unmentionables. I see him and swipe right for old time’s sake and this is how our conversation goes.
Rodney: Hahahahahahahahaha
Me: Well this is familiar… Maybe this is how we’ll say “hi” every few years. Another app, another year.
Rodney: deal
5. Wishful Thinking Will
This man sent me a message meant to entice. I presume he sent this message to many, many women. Or maybe it was all just for lil old me? Read and decide for yourself.
“Hey, I know this is kinda weird and pushy haha, but would you like to have sex with me? I’m not a creep or a pervert, just a genuine guy. I would treat you with respect and the sex would be good. I can even make you squirt if the connection is right haha. I will not judge you or think you’re “easy.” So yeah. Excuse me if I come across as a little uncalibrated but I think you’re attractive, so what do you think? Haha”
Nailed the correct usage of “you’re,” as well as interjecting just enough “hahas” to let me know he’s “not a creep or pervert.” Just a genuine guy who likes to laugh, and inquire about making strangers squirt, aye? ( To be fair, this is Tinder.) Moving on.
7. BF Material Ben
Self-described as “all limbs” and “racially ambiguous.” That’s really code for being tall, not obese, and sort of exotic, sort of All American boy. What a combo. He has a warm way of communicating, no doubt an optimist who is capable of treating a woman well. Just a vibe. He promptly asks for my number and formally asks me out. We meet up at a cafe, and learn we live one block apart, and had been for the better part of a year. He speaks of his adventures in grad school and travel, and I of the random non-techy projects keeping me afloat in this tech-bubble of a city.
After coffee, we take the conversation to Dolores Park on that 90 degree day, lay in the grass and continue chatting about things that matter a little and things that matter a lot and then he kisses me. He starts by softening his gaze and locking his eyes with mine as he gradually leans in closer. I am as surprised as I am impressed- so smooth… and this guy seems nice too. And hawt. What?! As I fan myself from the inside after that prolonged peck, we blush a bit and resume conversation. Then he walks me home. We live a block a part, so yeah, maybe I walked him home as well *feminism*. Another peck and he leaves with, “we should really do this again,” and I agree with a smile and a nod as my butterflies and I head up my stairs.
Several days later I ask him to a local event, and he suggests that “maybe we meet up sometime next week,” instead. I reply, “sure.” I never heard from him again.
Dating Life Update: This month took place in September 2016. Since this time, I’ve been dating-app-free, both enjoying and loathing a variety of interactions taking place IRL.
ABOUT THE CONTRIBUTOR
Stephanie Thoma is a 20-something living, writing, and dating in San Francisco. Read more and Subscribe to Selfie Perspectives
