How To Communicate Even Better With Your Kids

At one time or another, every parent will experience that painful moment when their child yells at them, speaks to them disrespectfully, or even—dagger through the heart—screams, "I hate you!" How do you handle it? And how do you communicate productively with your child, no matter how old he or she is?

1. Give Yourself Space

First of all, be aware of your physical responses to challenging parenting situations. When your chest tightens, your breath gets shallow, and you can physically feel the heat of emotion, it’s important to find a way to give yourself some space from the situation before you react. Go into another room if you have to. Take some deep breaths, count to ten--whatever you need to do to have enough time to plan a calm response to the situation.

2. Explain How You're Feeling

Your response could be an “I” statement, in which you explain to your child how his or her behavior made you feel and ask for the behavior you need. With older kids, you can open up a dialogue.

3. Offer to Help Your Child

Ask your teenage son how you can help him in a difficult situation, or ask your preteen daughter how she'd like you to communicate with her. You can turn a potentially tough conversation into a brainstorm about ways to communicate, giving your kids the opportunity to share their constructive thoughts.

4. Have a Calm Down Code Word

Another idea is to come up with a code word that means you’re going to take a break to calm down, then come back together and listen to each other.

5. Show Curiosity 

With younger children, you can show curiosity about difficult behavior and ask them why they did something and what their aim was in a certain situation. With older kids, asking specific questions that elicit more detailed responses can be helpful for getting the context of why they said what they did.

6. Be On the Same Team

All of these responses demonstrate to your child that you are partners in problem solving and show your child that you respect him or her, while still setting healthy boundaries. Being willing to listen and model the type of communication you want teaches your child how to communicate with others effectively, which will serve him or her well from preschool into adulthood.