Lean In Or Stretch Out: Finding Work-Life Balance

When my good friend took a new job when her oldest son was 15 months old, she explained that the new position was an important career opportunity she felt she needed to take advantage of now. She had full-time childcare in place already, so the transition wasn’t as challenging as it might have been if she only had part-time childcare or none at all, but it still meant choosing to work more intensely and more hours, plus travel.

“You’re leaning in,” I joked, referring to Facebook CFO Sheryl Sandberg’s book  Lean In and the idea that women should throw themselves fully into both work and parenthood, if that’s what they want to do.

A year later, my friend left her job to consult and have a second child. She kept the pedal to the metal, but she has more flexibility and said she was happier. Several years later, she's still consulting.

Meanwhile, CNN reporter Josh Levs published a book in 2015 entitled Stretch Out, about his struggle to secure more paternal leave before his third child was born. Levs’ situation has brought focus to the ways in which fathers struggle with work-life balance and is a reminder that everyone needs to be at the table when we’re talking about parenting and work.

All parents struggle with work-life balance, and when you consider that in many families, parents work two jobs just to pay the bills, it can seem like a luxury to even think about leaning in, leaning back, or stretching out. As we think about how we might make our society a more equitable one, we can also take steps to find balance in our own lives.

Be kind to yourself

Let's face it: Most of us constantly feel like we're not perfect enough. Once we acknowledge that, we can get on with things. What really matters to you, if you're fortunate enough to have those kinds of choices? More time with your kids? More time at work? More time to exercise? Once you decide what you need most, don't be shy about asking for help. Because you know what? Nobody's perfect.

Prepare for time off

In Sandberg’s book, she encourages women to stay focused on work until they absolutely must take time off (to care for a newborn, for example). If it’s at all possible to prepare for family leave by tying up loose ends or lining up projects to begin when your leave ends, doing so can lessen stress, allowing you to enjoy your time off.

In Levs’ case, he had to fight for more time off with his family, and many parents are not able to take much time off at all. In those situations, focusing on your plan for childcare and minimizing other commitments and stressors will ease your transition from leave back to work.

Prioritize

Everyone’s priorities are different. Some parents want more hours with their kids; others need a few more babysitting hours each week to feel like there’s enough time for contract work. If you’re lucky enough to have a choice, focus on what you want most.

Likewise, because there simply aren’t enough hours in each day to clean your house, stock your fridge, cook meals, exercise, work, volunteer, and get your children to and from school and activities, it’s important to choose the things that mean the most to you and figure out how to handle the rest. Maybe you focus on work and your kids on weekdays and handle household chores on weekends, or get groceries once a week at 8pm and trade cooking duties with your partner a few nights a week. Or maybe grocery shopping is a family activity on Saturday morning, and chores become a family game or contest on Sunday afternoon.

It’s easy to feel like others are judging you for having an untidy house or for ordering take-out, but you have to figure out for yourself what you can handle. It’s OK if the house doesn’t get picked up every day and if volunteer work has to take a backseat to work obligations sometimes.

Ask for help

If you need cleaning or babysitting help and can pay for it, that's fantastic, but if you can't swing the cost, ask your partner and kids to pitch in.

If you’re having trouble convincing yourself or your partner to hire a cleaning person or a babysitter, remember that your time is worth a lot and that costs should be shared between partners.

Fill up your tank

What energizes you? The right balance of work and family time? A daily run? Regular manicures? Remember to take some time for yourself, even if it's just thirty minutes a day. Fill up your tank, so you have energy for everyone and everything else.

Give yourself credit

Give yourself credit for what you accomplish each day and spend less time fretting over your to-do list. And be in the moment! Play with your kids and enjoy it, instead of worrying about what you could be doing for work or to tidy the house.

Live your values

What are your values? Maybe they're generosity, humor, and connection. What activities help you feel connected to those values? Volunteering regularly—even if it’s just once a year—can make you feel like you’re giving to others. Thanking others for their kindness to you is a way to repay the generosity from others that you value. Going to the theater or letting yourself take a half hour to watch a funny sitcom is a great way to inject a little bit of humor into your life every so often. Walking your dog, taking the time to chat with neighbors, and having a family meal are all easy ways to nurture your connections with others.

Have fun and cultivate your joy. Take a nap. Play outside with your kids. Walk your dog. Pay attention to what makes you feel good and try to do a little more of it each day.