How To Help Your Kids Handle Bullying
There are, unfortunately, all too many stories about kids being bullied, including the really tragic ones about teens who have taken their own lives after being systematically bullied by classmates at school and in cyberspace. So how can we help prepare kids for bullying and help them deal with it in healthy ways, ideally to avoid really extreme situations?
Help kids develop self-esteem and a broad network
The definition of bullying is that of one person perceiving another as weak and making them a target, so one way parents can help their kids is to work on building self-esteem. Helping your kids learn new sports, to read, and teaching them things like music, art, creative writing, and programming outside of school develops their sense of self and gives them activities to turn to if they're struggling socially.
Teaching them ways to connect with other kids and adults is also really important. Showing them how you make friends and meet people as an adult, by making those efforts when they're with you, can be a great model for them as they develop their own social skills. The more comfortable kids are meeting and establishing connections with new people means it'll be easier for them to create a broad network of friends and acquaintances. Then, if one friend or group of friends is picking on them, they have other people they can spend time with and lots of people with whom they can communicate. Kids who feel rooted in and supported by their community--whether they grew up there or just moved to town--know they have lots of resources at their fingertips.
Parents can also help kids practice speaking up for themselves in a respectful way at home from a young age, so that they are prepared to do so among peers and school staff as early as preschool.
How can you tell if a child is being bullied?
Withdrawal from school activities or a group of friends, as well as physical changes like trouble sleeping or a drastic change in eating habits, could be signs that a child is being bullied. Take note of sudden shifts in attitude, mood and self-care, and talk about any changes with your child and school staff.
How do you handle a bullying situation?
If you identify what you think is a bullying situation, you can start by naming the behavior and discussing how it makes your child feel (helpless, anxious, upset, hurt, confused, angry...any or all of these are possible, and normal, responses).
It might also be helpful to take a critical look at the bully him or herself. What's his or her story? Why might he or she be doing this, and what are some short-term solutions for dealing with this difficult person (speaking up, creating distance, setting boundaries, asking adults for help)?
The key is to be both supportive of your child and proactive, by contacting your child's teacher, school counselor, or principal (or all of the above) for an intervention. Making your family's boundaries against bullying clear and public sends a strong message and can be preventative.
It can be challenging to engage with the parent of the other child or children, since everyone is coming from a different place in terms of self-esteem and emotional health, so it's usually most effective to go through school channels.
The Realm of Cyberbullying
Cyberbullying allows a bully to feel freer due to anonymity, so it's really important for parents to monitor their children's social media sites. School personnel can still be made aware of cyberbullying situations, as can local police, if it comes to that.
Cultivating your child's self-esteem, helping your kids create a broad social network, and talking with kids and the adults at school and in other places where they spend time can be helpful ways not only to head off potential problems but also to be involved in your kids' lives in a way that allows them to be independent but also supported by you.
