Here's Why You Are Unhappily In Love
Why won't love last? When you first meet someone that you are attracted to, there is an excitement and anticipation that is exhilarating! You've got chemistry and common interests. Everybody is putting their best foot forward and on their best behavior. We say and do all the right things. At some point you might even find yourself thinking, "Is this the one?" It's all kicks and giggles while everything is new and fresh. And then, reality sets in. You get to know the real person and in no time you find yourself peeking over the fence at greener grass.
According to Behavioral Economist Dan Ariely, we set our relationships on a path toward imminent doom when we start considering other options. Ariely likens the early phases of a relationship to perusing someone's Facebook or Tinder pages. All the pictures are carefully selected, photoshopped, and have filters that put us (literally) in our best light. Then we see them in person for the first time and start to pick them apart. The flaws are there--we all have them--but, our idealistic view of the new love interest sets us up for disappointment.
Without making an investment in the relationship, we develop the proverbial wandering eye. Ariely says, “When we’re in a relationship but continuously with one foot out and continuously thinking about how the outside world is more tempting and more interesting, it’s actually not a good recipe for investing in a relationship,” he says, “It’s not a zero-sum game; [a relationship] gets better when you invest in it.” In other words, the grass is always greener where you water it.
So, how do you shore up your relationship and actually give it a chance to succeed? In Interdependence Theory by Carl Rusbult, he offers that individuals commit to a partner based on their level of dependence on that person in 3 areas:
- Satisfaction. The individual receives many benefits, with few costs from the partner.
- Alternatives. The individual cannot get their needs met better elsewhere.
- Investment. The individual has a number of important resources devoted to the partner.
If you want a shot at being happy in love, be clear on what you desire from a potential mate and then choose your partner based on those wants and needs. Invest some time and energy into the relationship. And be honest if the relationship isn't working for you. If you are both committed to giving your relationship a chance, focus on each other sans the distractions. Put forth your best effort. And remember that in the game of love, "almost doesn't count."
