How Do You Know When It's Time To Let Go?

No one plans on love being temporary. When you look into your man’s eyes and you tell him that you want to be with him for the rest of your life, of course you mean it. But sometimes, we as women make the mistake of loving someone else so much that we lose sight of not only our needs, but our boundaries too. 

It’s one thing to be committed and to have your partner’s back. It’s another thing to be ignored, taken for granted and sometimes, flat-out misused.

What you have to remember is that a healthy relationship helps to make you a better person. If that’s not happening, if both of you are causing more harm than good, then it’s time to do some serious reevaluating. That’s not to say that all relationships don’t go through hard times, but if you are experiencing one or more of the following red flags, it’s time to stop thinking that “love conquers all” and start asking yourself “Am I settling for less than what I deserve?”

1. There are destructive patterns

Back in the day, there was a popular song by the Stylistics. The chorus was “Break up to make up, that’s all we do.” Every couple has arguments and even seasons when the relationship is more stressful than usual. But if all you and yours do is fight, have sex, fight, have sex---that’s not a healthy pattern. It shows that you’re not communicating well and you’re relying on sex to “gloss over” deeper issues. Some people mistake drama for passion. If you’re upset more than you’re happy, but you keep going back because you feel like you’re “hooked”, that’s not love. That’s more like an addiction. (Yes, there is such a thing as love addiction. Click here to see if you qualify!)

2. There is any form of abuse

Hopefully you know that no man should EVER put his hands on you. By the way, you should be keeping your hands to yourself too. Physical violence in either direction is an ultimate sign of disrespect. But don’t forget that there are other ways to be abused. Being called derogatory terms is a form of verbal abuse. Being neglected or manipulated is a sign of emotional abuse. And being forced to have sex when you don’t want to just because he thinks he “deserves” it? That’s not just sexual abuse…that’s rape. A relationship is supposed to make you feel safe. Do you?

3. One or both of you commit affairs (over and over again)

Some people think that people who have affairs are just horny folks who can’t control their hormones. Eh. Sometimes. Usually it’s symptomatic of something deeper, though. If you or your partner cannot remain faithful to one another, that’s not a “mistake”. That is a choice. One that’s connected to “going outside” to have some sort of need met whether it’s validation, affirmation, feeling needed or desirable or something more. We’re living in a day and age where it’s not only emotionally damaging to remain with someone who sleeps around, but it can put your health at risk too. If you both entered into the relationship with the understanding that you were only having sex with one another and that’s not happening, don’t ignore that. There are huge cracks in the foundation that need to be addressed.

4. There has been no counseling

If you are simply dating someone and you already see yourself in this article, do yourself a favor: break up. Far too many girlfriends act like wives. You didn’t take any vows. You’re not legally obligated. Don’t make things more complicated than they need to be. If you’re married, it’s a bit more serious and kudos to you for not wanting to be flippant about ending your relationship. At the same time, none of these issues can be thoroughly addressed without some outside help; someone who is qualified to work through relationship issues. You need to go to counseling. If your spouse is not open to that, at the very least, separate until they are.

5. Love and tolerance are turning into hate and unforgivingness

You never want to get to the point where you hate someone you once loved. Yet it happens every day in divorce court. The moment you are loathing them, harboring bitterness and coming up with ways to “get back at them”, you are giving the pain way too much power over your life. No ability to forgive can literally affect your health and no one is worth that. Better to release someone in love than hold on with hate. As you’re trying to figure out what to do next…please keep that in mind. For both of your heart's sake.