I Hope They Serve Taco Bell at Coachella
Taco Bell is never a bad idea. And if anyone has honestly never consumed, or at the very least craved, a 99 cent burrito for breakfast they're probably one of those judgmental health freaks who have an intimidating knowledge of granola making and who also believe that being vegan is essentially the same thing as being immortal. Well guess what? Eat healthy, exercise more, still die... It's science.
If they're one of the appreciators of cost-efficient meals and convenience, they probably have headed straight to the border since they were a child and continue to do so on many occasions, such as:
1. When they're hung-over
2. When they're hungry
3. When they're hungry and broke
4. When they're in the car for 2 or more hours
5. When they're drunk
6. When they just got dumped
And if they're like me,
7. Whenever they see one
Why? Because they have a bigger menu than Cheesecake Factory, and you can order the entire left side of the menu with coins you find in you car, and it takes three and a half minutes from the time you order to the time that warm and delicious cheesy gordita crunch touches your intelligently decisive taste buds.
Unfortunately, they don't have that kind of food service at Coachella. As soon as you come to the realization that if you don't put food in your stomach ASAP you're going to wake up half naked next to someone you don't remember meeting, hungry and three miles away from that shitty three bedroom 1 bathroom condo you rented with 17 of your friends. These kinds of freak accidents happens to us Coachella Regs because we know that the pizza line takes about 22 minutes. That's like a full 22 minutes of fist bumping to deadmau5 you’ll never get back. Every time you get to the front of the line they tell you that they just put another pizza in the oven and it will be out in a few minutes (aka 15 min). What do you mean a slice of cheese isn't ready yet? Taco Bell has my 3 crunchwrap supremes, 4 bean and cheese burritos, 2 chicken chalupas, 1 Mexican pizza, 6 chicken soft tacos and that one new item from their most recent commercial before my friends and I even pull up to the next window and you're telling me to step aside?
Look at me! My pupils are the size of pepperonis and even though I'm not necessarily starving, I need something in my stomach other than $10 Heinekins and ecstasy. Don't make me eat these beaded bracelets that I traded with some bearded freak I made eye contact with in the Zuma tent in exchange for what I think was eternal friendship. I don't need a fresh baked pizza that I'm going to have to disadvantageously use two hands for, I need convenience. There's no cell phone service here and I'm supposed to meet my friends front right of the Sahara Tent in six minutes. Not once has Taco Bell hindered me late to anything.
So thanks to the morbidly long pizza line, you're now lost. It's just you and that overpriced slice of mediocre pizza. You suddenly realize how stupid you look in your crop top, neon visor and/or cape when you're not with your entourage who are also wearing Anything But Clothes. Front right of the Sahara Tent is about 800 square feet bigger than you had remembered.
Now whenever my friends or I are drunk, we can always expect to find each other at the nearest Taco Bell. (FYI: Those aren't bums you see trying to seek shelter during your 4th meal run to the Bell. Those are responsible drunks waiting for their friends to come find them.)
It's almost a surprise that there isn't a Taco Bell in the middle of the polo field. They're everywhere because they are amazing. I wonder how many times the average Taco Bell goer has missed the exit for Taco Bell only to get off at the next one to see yet another Taco Bell.
There's people that bring out the worst in you, people who bring out the best, and people who bring out the most... of everything. And I'm talking about Taco Bell. Taco Bell brings my stomach ease when I'm toilet-side reeking of tequila, undying satisfaction when I'm hungry, faith when I can still eat while being the poorest person on earth, laughs for the mornings when I wake up and see I bought $40 worth of Taco Bell on a Thursday night, again, emotional stability, and reassurance that you can find happiness no matter where you are. And because of that, I really do hope they serve Taco Bell at Coachella one day.
