Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuit Lip Balm Now Exists & The World Is Amazing

Everyone knows the amazingness that is the Red Lobster's Cheddar Bay Biscuits. 

Or, as they are now called in some circles, Cheddar BEY Biscuits because even Queen Bey herself paid homage to their amazingness. 

Well, now you can taste that Grammy Award-winning awesomeness all day every day with the genius new Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuit Lip Balm, a product so completely necessary and mandatory that we really have no idea how the world existed this long without it. 

This truly makes all of the many, many flavors of Bonne Bell's Lip Smackers look passé in comparison. Skittles? Please. Carmel corn? Eye roll. Cookie dough? Yawn. Remember when Dr. Pepper lip balm was edgy? Yeah, that was the '90s and the future is now. 

Except, ugh, EXCEPT that this wonderful and wondrous product is not available in stores BECAUSE LIFE IS AWFUL AND UNFAIR AND EVERYTHING IS A LIE.

To get your hands and your lips on this Holy Grail of lip balms, you had to win it in a contest. And now that contest is over because you have no luck and the world is plotting against you and now you're probably going to die never having experienced this. 

Except!!! Maybe if we ask really nicely, maybe if we BEG for it, Red Lobster will see what an obvious million (TRILLION!) dollar money-making opportunity this is and will start producing them for mass consumption (don't actually EAT it though!) and they'll be on sale at every Red Lobster right at the hostess stand in big, beautiful bowls full of them and you can buy them by the fistful???? 

PUH-LEEEEEEEEEASE RED LOBSTER!!!!!! 

Also, since there are supposed to be 250 raffle winners for this product that is clearly too good to exist in the world, you can try your luck at trolling eBay to see if any foolish person who doesn't appreciate the advantages they have in life (or incredibly savvy opportunist who knows a good way to make money) is trying to sell off their amazing good fortune. How much would you be willing to pay for it? $10? $50? $100???????? 

ARE YOU LISTENING, RED LOBSTER???? Take our money!!!!!!