Opposite Sex Drives: How to Get on the Same Page

Question: How’s your sex life going? On a scale of 1-10, is it completely off the charts (10) or would you rather pull weeds out of your garden (1)? Any marriage therapist will tell you that one of the biggest problems in relationships is related to sex, but it’s also the topic that is discussed the least. That’s a problem because, as you probably already know, SEX IS A BIG DEAL.

Not so much the sex itself, but what the lack of it is conveying. Two people who have a healthy (which includes consistent) sex life are not only physically connecting in the bedroom but emotionally in every other room of the house. The problem is a lot of couples struggle because their drives aren’t super compatible. Almost always, one wants it more than the other.

Don’t take this challenge lying down (no pun intended). For your relationship to be successful, you need to get on the same page with your partner about your sex drives. Here’s how.

1. Get your hormone levels checked

All sorts of things can alter your libido. Extra weight. Aging. Stress. This is why it’s so important to see your doctor once a year. Also, if you or yours happens to see a major shift in your sex drive, don’t wait until your annual physical to get checked out. Sometimes what’s going on isn’t emotional, it’s physical. A little hormone therapy can have you back to normal (if not better).

2. Talk about one another's needs

Being in love is one thing. Being sexually compatible is something else. Meaning, what you need to feel sexually satisfied may be totally different from what your partner does. If neither of you ever talk about it, eventually you’re going to end up resenting one another and that could lead to…all sorts of problems up the road. Need to be cuddled after coitus? Say it. They need oral sex more than you do? Hear them out. A great sex life is a mutual exchange of meeting needs. Ask anyone who has one.

3. Is it the frequency? Or the (lack) of quality?

Being on the same page is about two different “chapters”. First there’s the frequency. Then there’s the quality. A lot of couples actually enjoy the sex they have with one another when they have it. What they can’t seem to agree on is how often it needs to take place. Frequency is about compromise. If one of you can go a couple of times a week while the other, in a perfect world, would have sex every day, how about 3-4 times a week? 

4. Be more affectionate

The best lovers know that foreplay shouldn’t only happen in the bedroom. It takes place in the kitchen when you’re kissed on the forehead. On the couch when you’re held extra tight. In the bathroom, when you’re putting on your make-up and he pinches his favorite spot. The more affectionate the two of you are with one another, the closer you will feel and the more you’ll want to “engage”. Test it before you doubt it.

5. Experiment

Same time. Same way. All the time. Ugh. If you can’t remember the last time you tried something new, there’s no time like the present! Buy some sexy lingerie. Pick up a Kama Sutra book. Try a position or room in the house (or place in the backyard) that you never had before. Talk to each other about your fantasies. Experimentation is the key that opens doors to all sorts of possibilities. It's the fuel you need to rev up your sex drive!

6. Go somewhere else

Scenery changes everything! Just ask anyone who has had sex in a hotel room within the past month. If you’re feeling bored, switch up the atmosphere by taking a weekend road trip or even booking a reservation at a hotel you’ve always wanted to try. It’s the next best thing to role playing and can definitely put your libido into overdrive.