Should You Have Sex with Your Partner Every Time They Ask?

Sexless marriages are more popular than they should be. According to an article published on Huffington Post, out of over 21,000 couples, many considered a sexless marriage to be having sex around once a month. There are all sorts of reasons why this may be the case. Crazy schedules, kids, health challenges----or simply not making sex as much of a priority as it was during the honeymoon phase or the literal honeymoon.

A wise man once said that good sex in a marriage is 10 percent of it while bad sex is 90 percent. That’s because many believe that one’s sex life is the “thermometer” of the relationship. Good (and consistent) sex speaks to there being a solid connection, a mutual attraction and a desire to be physically and emotionally intimate with one another. Bad sex---or lack of sex altogether---oftentimes speaks to the opposite.

But does this mean that sex should be seen as an obligation? The better word would probably be responsibility. Both you and your partner should expect sex to be a part of the relationship. That said, if you have a healthy relationship, sex will not be a chore or something you are pressured into.

That’s why it’s important to keep the following things in mind.

1. Sex is about more than a physical release

Don’t let the media fool you. Sex should never be, well just about sex. When you love someone, physical intimacy is one way of showing it. It picks up where words have left off. Keeping that in mind, remember that when your partner approaches you for sex that it’s important to not think that it’s just for the sake of a physical pleasure. Sure, that may be a big part of it, but it’s also an opportunity to get closer to you than ever. To be able to experience you in a way no one else does. There’s something really special about that. 

2. Your partner is TOTALLY VULNERABLE when they come to you

Something that’s especially the case when it comes to men is when they approach you about sex, it’s one of the few times they feel totally vulnerable. They are putting their ego on the line when they initiate. That doesn’t mean they should guilt you into participating. It means that you should be sensitive to the fact that they have feelings too. However you choose to handle the situation, sensitivity is always a good thing.

3. You're a human being, not a sex doll

There is a HUGE difference between someone having sex with you and someone having sex at you. Sex is not something that should be seen as a “favor” for your partner. It is a gift that is exchanged by you both. You both need to enjoy it. You both need to feel fulfilled and satisfied. You both need to have your needs met. If that’s not happening, if all your partner cares about is “getting off”, you deserve better and that needs to be stated. Making love is about sharing each other’s minds, bodies and spirits. Not treating one another like some blow-up sex doll.

4. Someone who truly loves you won't want to if you don't

If you really stop to think about it, this point right where will resolve a lot of this question. Even if there was some rule somewhere (and there’s not) that you should have sex every time your partner asks, if they really care about you, they will take your feelings into account. Not some of the time, all of the time. Someone who adores you and appreciates spending intimate time with you isn’t going to want to pressure you into sex or engage in sexual acts if you’re not going to be totally present. This includes tired, sick or just not feeling up to it. To a mature and healthy person, the sex is only going to be good if you want it too.

5. It's not just the "no" but how you say it   

All of that said, do keep in mind that there are kind and harsh ways to say “no”. If you don’t want to because you’re not in the mood, offer another time like later in the day or the next one. If you don’t want to because you’re upset, ask can you talk to them about how you’re feeling. If you’re avoiding it because, frankly, the sex hasn’t been very good lately, choose a time outside of the bedroom

 (don’t bring all of that energy up in there) to talk about what’s been missing…or what you’d like to add.

Bottom line, the surface question may be “Should you have sex every time your partner asks?” but the deeper one is “What can we both do to insure that we’re having an awesome experience every time?” Get the answer to that and the rest will resolve itself. Beautifully and intimately so.