Okay, not a whole fork. You know those plastic forks you get from fast food joints? One man swallowed a piece of one and had stomach pains for years before doctors took

a peek. Let that sink in. YEARS.

Ever had a fear that a plant will grow inside you? One New England man experienced this for real when docs, fearing cancer, found a partially sprouted pea plant inside

him.

There's a reason people hire professionals to do construction. One man was trying to remodel his home and thought he had barely missed his head with an accidental nail gun

discharge. Later, he found out he wasn't so lucky—and had a nail in his noggin.

Australia has some horrifying beasts that will totally bite/eat/poison/kill/maim you. You'd think a cockroach would be relatively safe (but gross). Nope. One dude woke up to ear pain and realized something

was in there. It took a doctor and some special instruments to rip the dead sucker out.

Sure, LEGOs have a 4+ age restriction on them, but just because a child is over the age of four doesn't mean they are mature enough to not stick LEGOs...

well, pretty much anywhere. In fact, one child stuffed a LEGO tire up its nose and it had to be removed by a professional. 

So, there's this thing called Pica, which means you like to eat things you shouldn't eat. A police officer in India liked eating pocket knives so much that he ate

over 40 in two months and had to have them surgically removed. Tasty.

A dude had constipation (wink wink) and decided the best way to relieve it would be to put an eel up his butt. Go ahead and imagine that for a

second. An eel. Like there weren't about a hundred other household items he could have used.

Butts are apparently popular places to put things that don't belong. Including empty soda bottles. In this case, the man had to sit down and faux poop it out. WHAT.

Much like LEGOs, kids put organic stuff in their noses too. In an effort to keep his mother from finding out he hadn't eaten a raisin like she told him

to (I assume) a kid put it up his nose. Next stop? The ER.

Well, that's one way to get your daily dose of meds. However, it's probably best to just take the pills rather than eat THE ENTIRE FREAKIN' BOTTLE.

You can get pleasure in all sorts of ways. Like when you're desperate, I guess, you can pop a marble INSIDE your penis? Don't quote me on that. But, one guy

definitely tried and then cut his penis trying to get it out. You better believe the ER was in order.

I wasn't 100% on what a shoeshine container was, but looking it up tells me that it's the container that the stuff that makes the shoes shiny comes in. So,

some dude's girlfriend drunkenly ate it. Must taste...shiny?

A woman heading for the local jail didn't want to go into the slammer unarmed, so she opted to shove a loaded gun up her hoo ha—and was immediately caught

and charged.

You know what's more embarrassing than getting a vibrator stuck up your butt? Getting a vibrator AND the salad tongs you were trying to dislodge it with stuck in your

butt. 

Most likely another case of pica, although it hasn't been confirmed. This elderly woman decided to eat a full set of cutlery. Knives, spoons, forks, the whole shebang. 

So, this girl in Indiana ate a bunch of magnets (over 30) and had to have them surgically removed. Her parents didn't understand her actions, since she got good grades.

Well, then.

A man heading to jail didn't want to go without his fun stuff. He managed to stuff a single condom full of things like OTC pills and even a syringe

up his... well, you know.

So, when you're going to do butt stuff in the bedroom, maybe don't mix your enema fluid with quick-dry cement. Just a thought. Because the solid mass will need to

be surgically removed.

A male lawyer showed up to the ER with a 7 inch perfume bottle in his butt (it's always the butt). He was so confused, since, he explained, it had

been so easy for him to get it out the other times he'd done it.

An old man came in with stomach pain and doctors couldn't really figure out why. The pain passed, but about a year later he was back, with a seriously torn

up butt. Turns out, he puts bottles in is butt. Shock. Er. 

So, this WWII soldier treated his pulsing hemorrhoids by holding them in place with a shell casing. Naturally, one slipped inside and he had to book it to the ER.

The bomb squad was called and a lead box was constructed around is butt for the surgery to remove them. See, they were live ammo. This puts a whole new

spin on "explosive diarrhea." 

So, back to pica. This guy has a compulsion to eat things he shouldn't. This includes car parts and even bite sized bits of a whole freaking plane. He's a

medical marvel, and doctors don't understand why he isn't dead.

Here's a well constructed lie as to why a doctor had to remove a phone from a man's butt: the patient went to answer his phone, tripped on his dog,

dropped the phone, and somehow landed butt first on the phone. In it went. Sure. We TOTALLY believe you.

So, this chick has a fight with her boyfriend, and in her despair opts to eat a bunch of cobblestones. That must be like ten times worse than chewing ice.

Obviously, surgery was in order. 

A man showed up at the hospital basically looking pregnant. Doctors thought it was a tumor, but it was actually a parasitic (still essentially alive) twin that he had absorbed

in the womb. I. Can't. Even.

An elderly woman ate some not-so-cooked squid and felt it essentially shoot sperm all over her mouth. She mad it to the ER, but the sperm had already gotten to

work basically impregnating her mouth mucous membranes. Talk about getting fresh seafood!

A little boy scraped his knee. Thinking nothing of it, his family cleaned him and kept on with life. Cut to a few weeks later when the mom squeezes the still

oozing wound and out pops a baby snail. They kept it. 

A man had an appendix scar that a spider found particularly inviting. It burrowed on in and traveled around his body until he had it removed days later.

A blowfly lays eggs in warm-blooded animals and then the babies burrow. They did this inside the eye socket of a young boy and had to be surgically removed after

he reported issues with his eyesight.

A boy went in the water and a fish found its way up his urethra. Yeah.

Apparently eels are small enough to get all in urethras. A 56-year-old man learned this the hard way when he had to rush to the ER to have it removed.

So, a dude thinks he has dandruff. He tries different shampoos, but nothing helps him. Off to the doctor he goes, only to find out that five maggots are living

in a hole in his scalp. Fun.

A woman thinks she has a brain tumor, but it turns out to be a tapeworm. Is that actually a relief? Honestly, I don't know. 

This time, a man ate a salmon salad at a fancy Chicago restaurant. Something was calling that salmon home—a tapeworm. He needed to have it removed a little while later,

after it had grown nice and humongous. 

No, it's not Rocket Raccoon-cute. This little bugger made a guy think he was going blind. Doctors discovered it eating his retina and had to laser it to death. 

A guy coughs up blood and books it to the hospital. Doctors think he has a tumor, but when they open him up, they find a tiny tree in his

lung. He apparently inhaled some seeds and it grew from there.

A boy in India was playing in the water when he accidentally swallowed a minuscule fish. He went about his business but ultimately had to go in and have it removed.

It was still. Flopping. When they removed it. 

A toddler had an earache, but her parents thought she was a hypochondriac (?!) because they couldn't find evidence of anything wrong. Cut to the ER visit where doctors find a

full dandelion in her ear.

A woman goes to the ER after suffering from ear pains. Doctors find a spider all up in her ear and rather than grab it with tiny tweezers, they opt

to flush it out with saline—otherwise it would burrow deeper. Okay, I need a long shower now.