Just fall asleep and hold reallllyyyyy still for a few hours, preferably under the blazing sun.

If you get a hug and a kiss from a female human after this, never let her go.

Slows fall? Maybe. Ensures a broken face? Definitely.

...in case you missed the joke, the 'free dog' is a seeing-eye dog. Because congratulations, you're blind now.

This is definitely how a mechanic would break it down.

Unfortunate side effect: no one will ever make out with you again.

Even if this works, people will still think you lack aim.

Don't waste money on expensive store-bought Bluetooth headphones; just cut the wires off regular ones instead!

This comes with one fairly obvious drawback...

Intimidate your own organs. RAWR

Honestly... yea, this technically would work. Until you in-laws come over and faint.

Somebody try this, then call us (from jail) and let us know how it went.

Any Mitch Hedberg fans out there? "I'm tired of chasing my dreams. I'm just gunna ask where they're going and catch up with 'em later."

Imagine trying to explain this to Gordon Ramsay.

Nope. So, so much nope.

We're not sure what the exact number, but this is definitely breaking over 10 separate laws.

Totally effective until you have to sit in the car.

The knife will definitely heat up. So will the rest of the kitchen, the apartment, the building...

[in grandma voice] "You crazy kids, playing that silence so loud all night long!"

Thing is, when they find out what you've been doing to poor lil Cancer, they're going to beat you up instead.

0 out of 5 firefighters recommend this technique.

Legally we're required to inform you that this doesn't work and, if you're really struggling, you should get professional help.

Great boost for temporary morale; not so great for additional fines.

From the Michael Scott school of science.

Take that, Elon Musk!

Honestly, the last line of this is exactly what we would do -- were the situation to ever escalate to that situation.

If you do this, please send video immediately.

This one is significantly less funny because it appears someone went ahead and did this. Bet it makes your booty feel amazing though.

#TrumpJokes

Do realize that the stakes are slightly higher when you lose, though.

To be totally honest, even if the advice wasn't obviously terrible, the guy's exasperated face on the left should be warning enough.

It's important to claim your territory. Animal Planet taught us that.

Honestly, this is the best bad advice we've ever heard.

So sneaky. So stupid.

Treat your body like a temple. Or a distillery. Either or.

50 Cent-approved

Because we all have that one friend...

Well, that's one way to do it...

And as a bonus, your parents will disown you and never pressure into coming home for Christmas again!

"No Sally, that person isn't bad because of their skin color. It's just because they're an a**hole."

Someone has a fundamental misunderstanding of how lie detectors work.

This isn't even funny.

...OK, maybe a lil funny.

Takes some serious twisted dedication to get a free $13 end table.

I'm pretty sure this was a scene from 'The Parent Trap'

There's a reason they don't teach country music lyrics in driver's ed.

I'm pretty sure the bald eagle explained it thoroughly enough the first time, thank you very much.

Have tried. Doesn't work.

Have tried. Totally works.

"MOM I NEED MORE CELERY I FEEL LIKE I GOT ANTS ALL OVER ME!!!!!"

The gamers out there understand what he's talking about...

Even if you die, the last nightmare you had about your fifth-grade teacher chasing you through the woods will live forever.