CHUCK HELMKE

He has over 9% of his body tattooed. You know that argument against tattoos about how they'll sag when you're older? Pretty sure this guy blows

that argument out of the water. You just need to get so many that you win an award. 

NATHAN SAWAYA (OWNER)/1.30 x 5.51 x 1.69 METERS

This Batmobile is almost the size of a regular car. I want to sit in it! Also, this validates my very

childish desire to play with Legos as an adult human.

AYANNA WILLIAMS/576.41 CENTIMETERS

Williams is the current holder of this award, but she doesn't have the longest ever on record. If she keeps growing them out, she'll probably

get there. Just. Don't. Break. A. Nail. 

PORTLAND PROMISE CENTER/12 FT 9 IN CIRCUMFERENCE

Okay, now everyone line up for the scariest game of dodgeball ever. Oh, what's that? You can't lift the 2,000 pound

ball? Never mind, then.  

CHERRY YOSHITAKE/37 APPLES

But how is he at competitively eating the apples? That's a REAL achievement. Okay, okay, this is pretty dang impressive, too. Can he hold his

breath under water for, like, ever?

FELIX BAUMGARTNER/38,969.4 METER HEIGHT

This dude from Austria was a regular skydiver. Who skydived FROM SPACE. Okay, it was somewhere high up in the atmosphere but you can

basically SEE space, so I'm counting it. 

OTTO THE DOG/30 PERSON TUNNEL

Ah, the Guinness World Records. It's the only site where a freakin' skateboarding dog isn't in itself enough to win an award. Also,

why a HUMAN tunnel? How long was the normal tunnel that the other dog skated through? 

LEE REDMOND/28 FT 4 IN NAILS

This is the woman who basically made Guinness World Records what it is today. While she holds the record for longest nails

overall, she isn't the person who has the longest nails anymore. She lost them in a car accident. It's weirdly tragic.

MELVIN BOOTHE/32 FT 3.8 IN NAILS

His nails were longer than Lee Redmond's but frankly they just don't look nearly as cool as hers.

JYOTI KISANJI AMGE/2 FT TALL

Born in 1993, Amge is only 2 feet tall. She's used it to her advantage, not only joining the iconic ranks of Guinness,

but also by gaining unique roles and fulfilling her dream of becoming an actress.

SULTAN KÖSEN/OVER 8 FT TALL

We go from shortest person to tallest person. This guy must be a clothing designer's dream model. 

APRIL CHOI/4 BLOCKS

WHAT even is this award? Also, the winner is dressed like she's a lion tamer in a Dr. Seuss book. Don't let her anywhere near the

Grinch. You'll see things you can never un-see. 

ASHRITA FURMAN/OVER 200 RECORDS

Of course there's a record for most records beaten. Of. Course. There. Is. This dude is 62 and doesn't show any sign of slowing down.

I mean, that's an impressive bucket list, right?

ROBERT WADLOW/8 FT 11.1 IN TALL

This guy gets the award because there was irrefutable evidence of his size. There are ancient accounts of taller people, but they're

(probably) not accurate. Thank goodness this dude existed in the era of cameras. 

NEIL HARBISSON/FIRST HUMAN WITH AN IMPLANTED ANTENNA

This is what 'Black Mirror' is warning us about people. The antenna allows him to "hear" colors. I mean, at least

do a COOL antenna. 

ANDRE ORTOLF/1445 GRAMS

I feel like there's a very fine line between training for this award and straight-up drowning in a bowl of jelly. 

ANDRE ORTOLF/416 GRAMS

In today's edition of #TIL: 

Today I Learned that there's such a thing as "tubes" of mustard. Oh, and people drink them. 

YOU JIANXIA/12.4 CENTIMETERS

Does anyone else think that the eyelashes make her look like she's crying and causing her mascara to run? Just me? Okay. 

BRAD LADNER/8,226 DIFFERENT ITEMS

Excuse me, I'll take that and that and that. How much? Oh, this isn't a garage sale? Got it. 

ERIC JASKOLKA/15,400 ITEMS

Excuse me, there are other X-Men besides Wolverine. This is the X-Men movie series ALL OVER AGAIN.

JACKIE MILEY/8026 TOTAL NUMBER

Look, at least it's not porcelain dolls. We can all agree on that, right? With their creepy eyes following you. All possessed and such...

JL GONZAL, JC SHEITAN TENET

Excuse me, did these dudes tumble out of 'Blade Runner'? This is the kind of badass future tech I can 100% get behind. 

FRANKY ZAPATA/7389 FT 9 IN

I thought hover boards were those dumb electric skateboard things. When did they become this? And where can I purchase one?

LANCE CORPORAL DERBY XXX

First thought: is this sheep the queen of a foreign country? 

Second though: can I move there?

Third thought: Oh, it's part of the

British Armed Forces. Wait, what?

FRANCHESCA/14.37 IN FUR

Exactly how many people have tried to lie down on this thing because they thought it was a super poofy pillow?

BERTIE/0.28 METERS PER SECOND

This dude needs to take a page out of his ancestor's book and slow down so he doesn't burn out. 

CASPA/1.13 METERS

Is it horrible of me that I kind of want to see the footage of this llama inevitably ramming face-first into that bar? I really hope

that doesn't count as animal cruelty. 

PURIN/14 TOTAL

I mean, honestly, how does one even figure out that a dog can do this. Well, the answer is obvious—play soccer with it—but, still...

ABBIE GIRL (OWNED BY MICHAEL UY)/107.2 METERS

Can you imagine if a cat did this? The owner would be torn to shreds and eaten instead of a can

of tuna at the next feeding time.

ZAC/35 CANS

Somebody get this bird a job at the closest tiki bar, stat! It'll bring customers in and the speed of the service will keep them coming

back.

WENDY HORTON/19 RINGS

This is a different parrot than the other extraordinary parrot on this list, right? I imagine this one could have a secondary career as a jewel

thief. 

BINI THE BUNNY/7 DUNKS

Based in Long Beach? The Lakers could probably use talent like this on the team. Do they accept non-human players?

DIDGA, ROBERT DOLLWET/24 TOTAL

Is it a trick of the light, or is this cat missing a leg? If it's a 3-legged cat, then this record is really

burying the lede...

PROBOSCIS MONKEY/17.5 CENTIMETERS

Go ahead and do a double take. Once you realize this is, in fact, NOT photoshopped, you'll realize it's totally safe for work.

UNKNOWN (but tied between two different types of blue-ringed octopus)

Did anyone else get low key hypnotized by the purple rings? No, alrighty then. ALL PRAISE BE TO THE

OCTO-GODS.

TUBER MAGNATUM PICO/3,000 US DOLLARS

Um, excuse me, no, I will NOT be paying $3k for what basically amounts to fancy mold. I will stick to my standard

truffle fries, thank you very much. 

DOVILIO NARDI/13,580.28 FT²

I...I've had dreams about this pizza. My entire life has been leading to this moment. Is it deep dish? Can I swim in it? I

might be openly weeping. 

HAMBURGER HARRY/3,724 TOTAL NUMBER

Now this is my kind of record. Is that a hamburger bed I see? I will for sure take a nap in that thing some

day. And I will dream of beef. 

TAKERU KOBAYASHI/12 TOTAL NUMBER

I need this to be my life. That way, the unholy amount of burgers I shove in my face would MEAN SOMETHING. I'm just training,

bro. 

ASHRITA FURMAN/123 TOTAL NUMBER

Welp, I've had my burger feast—time for dessert. I'll have a cone with 67 scoops. Yes, you heard that right. All on one cone.