"I watched Frozen without my two year old this morning. Despair reveals itself in many forms."

"The mobile above my daughter's crib is just a whole bunch of NuvaRings. So she remembers how lucky she is."

"On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it's in heaven, visiting daddy's freedom."

"Damn it's hard letting your infant daughter go somewhere alone for the first time. I was a total mess dropping her off at Burning Man."

"Inside my daughter's diaper this morning, I found a half-digested wolf. Try me."

"It's important kids eat 5 servings of vegetables daily. Even if childhood is just a dress-rehearsal for extraordinary adult suffering."

"It's 2016. I'm not going to start drinking regular milk just because some asshat has a problem with public breastfeeding at the beach."

"This morning, my daughter said, 'quiche' which means she's smart, hungry and an asshole."

"Tinder isn't a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding."

"My daughter loves the @MileyCyrus song, "We Can't Stop" because she thinks it's about cutting the brake lines on my car."

"They should call 'fighting pits' something else because my baby just plays with the other babies."

"Put the baby down in her crib tonight. She scrunched her nose so cute, giggled, then turned into thousands of bats."

"No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy."

"Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course."

"Being a father means responsibility. Not just for your main family, but also the secret one in Denmark nobody knows about."